Overcoming Trials

It was one week ago, at my 11 wk appointment, that I found out our baby didn't have a heartbeat. That it had stopped developing at 8wks 5days. And that it would result in a miscarriage. I feel like writing down the story will help in the healing process. And though it is hard to have to remember the events that have played out over the last week, I'm sure I'll want to be able to look back on this time in my life, and just remember.

I had been so excited to go in for my ultrasound to confirm our due date of April 12, 2015 and to hear the baby's heartbeat. I walked in and got situated for the ultrasound. The lady performing the ultrasound started chatting with me- small talk about if this was my first, how many kids I had, etc... She zoomed in and snapped a couple of quick screen shots and then suddenly made the screen go blank and said that the ultrasound was finished. Shocked that she didn't point out the baby's head, body, or heartbeat (like in past early ultrasounds I've had), I asked, "Well where was the baby?" She immediately turned her head away from me and said that she wasn't allowed to disclose any information and that the Dr would explain further details to me. 

Completely stunned, and my mind spinning a million miles a minute, she walked me down to a room where I was supposed to have my first prenatal appointment with my doctor. She walked me in and had me sit down to wait for the doctor. I was trying to hold back from bursting into tears right then and there. I knew something was wrong. Dr. Huish walked in and the first thing he said was, "We need to talk about some things." He asked about dates to confirm that I should, in fact, be at least 11 weeks along. After confirming it, he broke the news to me. My baby had stopped developing over 2 weeks ago. He told me that there was no heartbeat at all. 

I lost it. I had tears streaming down my face. I felt so many emotions at once my body felt like it was going into shock. I didn't know what to think, say, or do. How did this happen? Was it something I did? Right as that crossed my mind, the doctor went on to say that it was nothing that I did that caused this. It is almost always a chromosomal issue that causes the baby to stop growing. And just like that, he gave me 2 options: wait it out until my body finally figured out what was wrong and have a natural miscarriage or go in for surgery so that I can start the healing process. 

Even though he already told me, mentally I had to ask one more time. "So the baby has no chance? There isn't a heartbeat at all?" He reconfirmed with the same dreaded words, so I asked what he thought was the best thing to do. He said that he would recommend the surgery since there is less chance of developing an infection and that I could start the healing process. After agreeing he said he would get the process started for me and have the office call with a day and time that I would go in for surgery. 

And just like that... my heart felt like it was ripped out of my body. There was nothing I could do. Since my blood type is O- he sent the nurse in to give me a RhoGam shot. And it was done. My appointment that I thought would bring so much excitement and anticipation for the future was over. I walked out of the office, trying to avoid stares from everyone, since my face was red from crying, and as soon as I got in the car, the tears freely came, again. 

I can't even explain the feelings I had, and still have. I've always known what a miscarriage was and that it happened more often than you'd think, but until experiencing it myself, I did not understand the feeling of loss that you feel. I started driving to pick up Kimbri and Garrett from a friend that watched them for me. I knew I couldn't even call Rick because he was taking a test. I tried calling anyway, and even though I knew he wouldn't be able to answer, I started crying anyway when he didn't answer. I called over and over again. Then I tried calling my mom. I think her phone was on silent. So when she didn't answer I tried calling Rick again, with no success. I had to pull over because I probably would've caused a wreck otherwise, not being able to see clearly through the tears and feeling like I couldn't breath. 

My mom called me right back just a minute or so later. It was heartbreaking all over again to have to tell her the news. She immediately told me that she would fly down to be with me and to help out with the kids while I recovered from the surgery. That was seriously so much comfort to me, hearing her say that.  Having gone through this herself, it was so comforting hearing her words of encouragement. I picked up Kimbri and Garrett and started to head home. I tried calling Rick again. No answer. I just needed to be able to tell someone. Not many people knew that I was even pregnant. So I texted my friend, Erin, and asked if I could swing by her house. She is so amazing. She let me just cry it out and is such a caring and thoughtful friend! 

The kids were ready to be home, and so was I, so after going to Erin's house we headed right home. I don't know how many times I tried calling Rick, when finally I got a text saying they weren't allowed to talk on the phone during the test review. So, as silly and dumb as it is, I broke the news to him in a text. Seconds later I got a call. He left the review to call and I cried some more to him. The terrible thing is, is that he was stuck in Mesa. Several students carpool so even if I wanted to leave and come home, he couldn't, because his ride was with someone else. We had a good cry together over the phone, and again when he finally got home. 

Anyway, I guess it's needless to say that a lot of crying went on that day. It's just so hard to try and understand and accept something so sudden like that in your life. It all just seemed so unreal. Erin brought us an amazing dinner that night. She is seriously so thoughtful. 

The next day I spent almost all day cleaning and organizing. I thought that if I kept myself busy that my mind wouldn't dwell on this terrible thing and it would all just disappear. But I knew it couldn't just easily slip from my mind. Especially since what I was organizing and going through was all baby stuff. I had already bought a used basinet from a lady in our ward and had started buying extra boxes of diapers in Newborn size and Size 1 so that we'd have a little stock so it wouldn't be so expensive when the baby was born. I packed it all away in the back of a closet so we would have it for the future. I packed away all of Garrett's baby stuff... burp clothes, receiving blankets, baby bibs, and clothes that he has grown out of. I was going to wait and find out what gender our baby would be in November, because if it was a boy I was going to keep all that stuff out and handy. No need anymore. It made it all the more painful packing it away. 

The next day was when the surgery was scheduled. My sweet sister-in-law, Jessica, was so kind and willing to show up at our house just after 5am so that we could head to the surgery center and not have to wake Kimbri and Garrett up. We are so grateful to her for doing that! We arrived at Paramount Surgery Center and I got all prepped and ready for the surgery. Rick wasn't allowed in the operating room so they wheeled me away. And then I don't remember anything after that. 

The next thing that I do remember is starting to wake up. I was so out of it. That was only the second time I've been put to sleep (the first being for getting my wisdom teeth out last year) and I had a hard time remembering even coming to. But what I do remember is that when I woke up and remembered what had just happened, the tears started to flow. I tried to just pretend I was asleep to hide my emotions from the nurses, and I must've been good at it, or the medicine was still making my body out of it, but I remember waking up some time later for real. And it was hard all over again. I really am grateful for the surgery, though. I'm grateful that they just put me to sleep for it so I didn't have to see or remember anything. I think, for me personally, it would've been harder to wait it out and have it happen at home. So I'm grateful for the good insurance I have and that I could just opt to have the surgery. 

We went home and I slept most of the day until my mom flew in that evening. I'm so grateful to Rick's school for letting him off for 2 days to help me. And by the time he had to get back to it, my mom was there. Wow. My mom is the best. I don't think I'd be healed as much as I am if it wasn't for her. Physically, I was able to just rest, sleep and heal while she took such good care of Kimbri and Garrett. Emotionally, she let me cry and talk her ear off the whole time she was here. 

After a couple days of physical healing, we ventured out to see some animals a mile or 2 down the road. The kids fed the donkeys and goats and got to see the huge turtles, dogs and pigs. And the owner even brought out a baby turtle that fit in the palm of his hand! It was very cute. We went out grocery shopping one day and headed to the mall another day. We even got to go to the Womens Conference on Saturday night together and out for milkshakes afterward at Joe's Farm Grill. So yummy! Their strawberry shakes are amazing! Kimbri wasn't feeling great on Sunday so my mom stayed home with the kids. It was seriously like a date to church for me and Rick. No kids on a day that sacrament meeting lasted almost an hour and a half! 

One of the songs in sacrament meeting was "I Believe in Christ". I'm the ward chorister, which scares me to death every Sunday. I usually just stare at the words and wave my arm, pretending like I know what I'm doing and sometimes I even fake sing when I can't reach the high notes. Haha. Well this Sunday I was leading the music, like normal, not really paying attention to the words because I was more concerned about leading right and staying with the organ all while being up in front of a ton of people since there was a missionary homecoming that day... all of the sudden the word during the 4th verse just hit me. 

"I believe in Christ; He stands supreme!From Him I'll gain my fondest dream;And while I strive through grief and pain,His voice is heard: "Ye shall obtain."I believe in Christ; so come what may,With Him I'll stand in that great dayWhen on this earth He comes againTo rule among the sons of men."

I know I'll gain my "fondest dream" of having another baby sometime in the future. And as I'm "striving through grief and pain" from the loss of this pregnancy, I know I "shall obtain" another sweet spirit someday. I truly do know that God has a plan for me. And even thought knowing that in my heart, it still isn't easy to go through trials like this. But all w can do is trust in Him, and everything will work out how it's supposed to. It's a lot easier to admit that now that it's been a week. I don't think I could've said that one week ago. 

This past week, all the "Daily Messages" from lds.org that I received in my email were about women, probably since it was leading up to Womens Conference. Two stood out in particular to me and really helped to lift me up:

"Our women are not incredible because they have managed to avoid the difficulties of life—quite the opposite. 
They are incredible because of the way they face the trials of life. Despite the challenges and tests life has to offer—from marriage or lack of marriage, children’s choices, poor health, lack of opportunities, and many other problems—they remain remarkably strong and immovable and true to the faith. Our sisters throughout the Church consistently “succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees."

"The Lord especially loves righteous women—women who are not only faithful but filled with faith, women who are optimistic and cheerful because they know who they are and where they are going, women who are striving to live and serve as women of God. "

Deep down in my heart I know that I need to stay positive, cheerful and optimistic. I know that the Lord will help me get through this and that He has a plan for me. I know we can't "avoid the difficulties of life" but that it's the way we face the trials of life. This has definitely been a learning experience for me to try and keep a positive mind and outlook on life, and to know all things work together for our good. 

I'm so grateful for my incredible husband. He has been so understanding of me. He bought me the most beautiful flowers and made sure that I was comfortable and had my needs met. And I'm so thankful for my wonderful Mom for being here to take care of me this last week. My sweet mother-in-law has called me and been so thoughtful in thinking of us and supporting us during this time. And I'm really excited to read the books she sent us. "History of Joseph Smith by His Mother" Edited by Scot and Maurine Proctor and "For Times of Trouble" by Jeffrey R Holland. And there are countless others. I'm so grateful, too, for people that have brought in meals: Erin Carter, Christy Peterson, and Christy Bracken. And to Sadie who brought us some yummy brownies and for Molly for sending me a thoughtful note in the mail. And countless others who have simply asked how I was doing. Just knowing that people are thinking about you helps the healing process so much!

I know there is still a long road of healing ahead but I feel so much love from my family, friends and from my Heavenly Father. And I'm so grateful for the life that I have and for two beautiful children that light up my life every day. I love you so much Kimbri and Garrett! And I'm so grateful to have Rick, the love of my life, always by my side!

The flowers Rick got for me :)